


just want to hold on (to you)

by fantalaimon



Category: X-Men (Movieverse), X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014) - Fandom
Genre: F/F, Misunderstandings, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-22
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-05-02 22:45:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5266685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fantalaimon/pseuds/fantalaimon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Kitty starts losing control of her powers, she finds herself feeling isolated, depressed, and afraid. Of course, there is one other mutant in the mansion who knows what it's like to be untouchable, but Kitty doesn't think Rogue would be very interested in commiserating.</p>
<p>(Set in the post-DOFP present. Background pairings alluded to/stated outright in this fic are Hank McCoy/Alex Summers and John Allerdyce/Bobby Drake.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	just want to hold on (to you)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Trojie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trojie/gifts).



> So I was given the option between a few prompts, all of them _lovely_ , but I found I couldn't pass up a good excuse to add a little more Kitty/Rogue content to the world. I was delighted by the entire prompt set, though, and could not have been happier with my assignment. I wish I could have done something for the other prompts, but time constraints are what they are. Trojie, I hope you're happy with this gift, and thank you so much for your incredible taste in ships.
> 
> Actual prompt for the curious: "Kitty's power flips so she has to concentrate to be solid, rather than to phase. She finds kinship with Rogue, who has her own issues with touching people for too long."
> 
> I apologize for the gratuitous handwaving of logistics and occasional probably-faulty characterizations for the sake of plot advancement. Also, there are some details about Kitty’s powers from the comics that I just ignored outright, since all of that gets so weird between the movies and comics that I just ended up throwing in the towel for the sake of being able to write this thing at all. I hope it’s still enjoyable!

Kitty Pryde--genius, mutant, fighter, hero--was losing herself.

Fairly literally.

“I don’t understand, Hank,” she said, fists curled so tightly that her knuckles were white.

“Truthfully, Kitty, _I_ barely understand,” Hank said, grimacing slightly as he did. “If I can even say I understand at all. It’s not a secondary mutation, it’s the one you’ve got going--well, going weird.”

“Mutations aren’t supposed to work like this,” Kitty said.

“No, not like this, not usually. They can develop to a degree, but…” Hank sighed, pulling off his glasses to wipe them clean, even though he’d done the same thing just five minutes ago. “Not like this. Not usually.”

“What about unusually?”

Kitty noticed the hesitation. Of course she noticed it. She was just too preoccupied with remaining seated in the chair beside Hank’s desk to want to pursue it.

Eventually, Hank said, “There’s nothing in those case files to help us.”

“So my mutation is acting up. Acting wrong. It could just be some sort of weird, mutant-specific sickness, right? Something that reacts with the X-Gene? I mean… it could pass on its own.” Kitty dug her fingernails into her palm. “This can’t be permanent.”

At the look on Hank’s face, Kitty’s stomach dropped.

And so did the rest of her.

“We haven’t even begun looking for a solution, really,” Hank said. “All we’ve done is identify--well, approximately identify--the problem. There’s no reason to give up this early into the research.” He sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than her, frowning at the file on his desk as Kitty sat, hunched and halfway incorporeal on the floor.

“Thanks, Hank,” she said. She didn’t feel it, really, but the idea of not saying it didn’t sit right. She forced herself to her feet and charged out through the closed door. Her eyes were trained downward, and she didn’t even notice there was someone on the other side of the door until after she walked into them.

Kitty jerked back and regained her balance, apologies ready to spill out of her mouth, only to meet wide eyes framed with brown and white hair.

Rogue’s eyebrows started to scrunch together, and Kitty ran, blood rushing to her face. She didn’t manage to spit out even a simple “sorry,” but Rogue wasn’t yelling after her, so, all in all, the encounter could have gone worse.

Kitty decided it could have gone worse, anyway, and she refused to think about it long enough to change her mind. She had other concerns.

*

A month ago, Kitty could hold her intangible state for about eight continuous minutes on a good day. As long as she took breaks and knew her limits, she could comfortably spend a total of four hours for every 24 hour period phased. Beyond that, she would get dizzy. Things would start to blur.

Two weeks ago, Kitty’s time was pretty evenly split. Half of her day solid, half of her day phased.

Now, Kitty had five hours of solid time per day. When she pushed it.

She phased through everything.

Sleeping was hard. Eating was hard. Being around _people_ was hard.

“I don’t feel real,” she would confess some nights, lying under her bed where she had fallen through it, with only the other shadows to hear her.

Her mutation used to feel like a gift. Like a blessing, though a mixed one. Her mutation-related problems used to be restricted to mutant-related enemies. She was proud of what she was. Proud of her X-Gene, just like she was proud of being Jewish, just like she was proud of everything else that made her herself.

And now her X-Gene was consuming her.

Every time she spoke to Hank, he looked at her like his heart was breaking, so she never told him it was worse than he knew. Maybe she should have, but she was pretty sure it wouldn’t have made any difference. She checked all of his work herself, anyway.

*

“Hank’s been worrying about you nonstop, Kitty,” Alex said. “I walked in on him asleep on his desk, mumbling your name. If I didn’t already know that his dreams are usually all about his work and dry as dust, we’d be having a very different conversation right now.” He cracked a smile.

Kitty smiled back. Her heart wasn’t in it, but she was strong enough to fake having herself at least somewhat together. “He’s been helping me out.”

“With _what?_ ” Alex pressed. “Neither of you will say. Everyone’s used to Hank disappearing to his lab for days on end, but we’ve barely seen you for weeks. What’s going _on_ , Ki--”

He stopped short when he tried to drop his hand on Kitty’s shoulder and it simply passed through.

“ _Kitty?_ ” Alex asked, staring at her.

She couldn’t help feeling like he was looking through her.

“Sorry,” Kitty said, forcing another smile. “I’m not all here. I didn’t really mean to do that.”

“Since when does being distracted make you phase?” Alex asked, and she could see Hank’s worry in his eyes now.

She didn’t feel like being mourned before she was even actually gone. “I have to go, Alex, sorry,” she said, and she was careful not to walk through anything as she left.

*

The problem was, there could be no secrets in the Institute. Not really. Not for long. Not with Charles Xavier running it.

You could keep out of his sight for a while and hope he wouldn’t come looking. But sooner or later, he would always come looking.

He cared too much not to.

_Kitty, may I have a word?_

Kitty’s mouth felt dry. _I’m a little busy at the moment, Professor,_ she replied, thinking of textbooks and equations and lines of computer code and _nothing else_.

_And how many more weeks shall I expect you to be absent for this project, Ms. Pryde?_

Kitty didn’t know what to do or say or think. She settled on nothing.

Nothing was getting easier and easier, these days.

_Kitty, I try not to pry..._ His phantom voice trailed off, and there was a weight to his silence.

She knew that he was offering her a choice between a conversation and a psychic examination.

He must be really worried. She wondered how much he’d gotten from Hank, already.

All of his calculations and research, and the majority of his personal observations and conversations with you about your current state, the Professor supplied. He is, I think, unwilling to notice the disparities between the two.

___Let him believe,_ __ Kitty answered. _ __I’ve done my own math. There’s no solution here.__ _

___Katherine Anne Pryde, you are incredibly talented and intelligent, but you are also incredibly young. If you give up so early into the game, I shall be forced to take drastic measures._ _ _

A little bit of the weight seemed to lift. Kitty still had the presence of mind to realize Professor Xavier was probably doing some some telepathic hocus pocus-- _ _ _I object to that terminology, Kitty___ \--to make her feel better, but it felt like fair use.

Professor Xavier was like a father to all of them, even the lucky few who had perfectly good, living fathers to begin with. He was also brilliant, to the point of being somewhat terrifying.

Kitty probably should have just told him from the start.

___Yes, my dear, you should have, but I understand why you didn’t. I should have noticed sooner. I am sorry, Kitty. For now, do your best to eat something, yes? We’ll speak further on this soon, but, of course, you should feel free to talk to me anytime you need._ _ _

___Thanks, Professor._ _ _

___Things do not always go the way they should. It falls to us to stay positive despite our trials, inasmuch as we are able. Keep faith, love._ _ _

Kitty ended up doing the opposite of what she was supposed to do and skipped a meal altogether so that she could use the period of solidity to go online and buy a mug that said “World’s Best Professor” on it in a big, fancy font. Xavier already had seventeen at last count, but it was the spirit of the thing.

__*_ _

Kitty started coming out of her room, even when she didn’t have to. She ate a few meals a week with her friends, and they were careful not stare when her fingers slipped through her fork more often than they gripped it.

They talked and laughed and enjoyed themselves, but there was a tension to every interaction that Kitty couldn’t escape. Whenever someone tried to bump their shoulder against hers or pat her on the back only to hastily draw away when nothing met their touch, that tension became crushing.

It was at its worst with Bobby. Through no fault of Kitty’s own, things hadn’t been exactly easy between them since the break up, but now he looked at her with a whole new level of guilt.

And she hadn’t wanted it _before_.

“Kitty--” he would start to say, and then he would stop, and she would just look at him, wondering if this time he was _actually_ going to say, _I’m sorry I left you for a guy, even though we both know you were just waiting for me to come to terms with being in love with him, I really feel extra bad now that your life sucks so much_ , and, if he did, whether she could manage kicking him.

He never actually said it, but he didn’t seem inclined to stop starting to.

He was looking at her now like she was a slideshow of every bad thing he had ever done in his life, opening his mouth to say nothing again, and she could feel her edges fraying when Rogue came in.

Rogue took one long look at the two of them, and Kitty felt like she was _dying_ , but then Rogue cuffed Bobby with one gloved hand on her way to the refrigerator and said, “Bobby, if you’re acting like a kicked puppy because you’re afraid for Kitty’s life or somethin’, I promise you that looking at her like that will send _one_ of you to an early grave.” After a moment of rooting around in the fridge, Rogue turned back to face Kitty and Bobby with a bunch of grapes in one hand as she peeled her glove off of the other with her teeth. She popped one grape into her mouth, chewed, and then said, “So maybe quit makin’ Kitty’s pain about your guilt, huh?”

Bobby looked slightly horrified. “Christ, Kitty, I didn’t mean to--”

“Kitty was still full-blown Jewish, last I heard,” Rogue cut in. “Christ might not be your best word choice there.”

Bobby flushed and seemed to decide that not talking was his safest option.

Normally, Kitty would laugh at that point. That might even have been what Rogue was going for.

Unfortunately, Kitty didn’t want Rogue’s pity any more than she wanted Bobby’s, even if Rogue was very good at making pity palatable.

What Kitty really wanted was an instruction manual on getting over your crush on the girl whose boyfriend you didn’t _mean_ to steal but kind of did anyway, even when she was actually being _nice_ to you because your life sucked a whole lot for even more reasons totally unrelated to aforementioned crush.

Kitty’s life sucked.

Rogue didn’t seem upset by Kitty’s complete unresponsiveness. “You’re not allergic to these by any chance, are you?” she asked Kitty, pulling a grape off of its stem and holding it up between two fingers of her uncovered hand.

“Um,” Kitty says. “No?”

Rogue’s mouth curved into something very near a smile, and, as she walked past, she pressed the grape to Kitty’s lips, and Kitty opened her mouth on reflex. The grape rolled onto Kitty’s tongue, Rogue’s fingers pressed to her lips for an instant before dragging away, and then Kitty was just watching the source of her current heart palpitations walk away for several seconds before she realized that she hadn’t even turned solid consciously when the grape touched her lips.

“Did Rogue just _touch_ you?” Bobby asked. His eyebrows were raised up as high as they could possibly go.

Kitty really needed the world to start making sense again.

*

Two hours later, Kitty was sitting on the floor of Hank’s lab, across from Rogue. Because Professor X knew all, and he was merciless.

Kitty thought he might be enjoying this.

_I am enjoying this immensely! I feel silly; I never put together that the awkwardness you feel around Rogue might stem from something other than your shared relationship to Bobby. You should tell her how you feel, but, regardless, we still need to run these tests._

Kitty thought about taking the “World’s Best Professor” mug back.

_Don’t you dare, Kitty._ He sounded downright jovial.

Kitty could _feel_ herself sliding all over the emotional scale from ‘entirely legitimate melancholy in the face of real disaster’ to ‘literally just teenage angst’ but was too soured on the world for the time being to really be willing to make an effort to reign it in.

“Right,” the Professor said, clapping his hands together. “Are we ready, Hank?”

“I think so, Professor, yes,” Hank said, as he finished sticking the last sensor to the back of Rogue’s hand and pulled back to his computer.

“Sorry you have to do this,” Kitty said, eyes firmly on the ground.

“No worries,” Rogue said, nudging Kitty’s leg with her foot.

Kitty had a lot of worries. Kitty had _so many_ worries.

“Right,” Hank said, clearing his throat. “We, uh. We’re testing the hypothesis that Rogue’s power can somehow counteract Kitty’s involuntary phasing. Considering Rogue’s power requires, er, skin to skin contact, you both need to… touch, now.”

Rogue had already stripped off her gloves. She offered one hand to Kitty.

Kitty bit her lip.

“Hank and I will be keeping a close eye on everything,” Professor X said. “No need to be afraid. If you start to display any physical or mental signs of damage from Rogue’s power, we’ll separate you both.”

Kitty knew he knew that wasn’t the problem, but it’s not like she had any recourse.

Hesitantly, Kitty reached towards Rogue’s proffered hand, reluctant to watch it phase through. It would just be way too symbolic of the whole situation.

Kitty glanced up to find Rogue frowning at her, and yep, that was it, Kitty was out. She pulled her hand back.

Rogue dropped her own hand.

“Kitty,” Xavier said in his Stern Professor Voice.

“It’s alright,” Rogue said. “I’m dangerous. I get it. Kitty shouldn’t have t’do anythin’ she isn’t comfortable with.”

“No, wait, it’s not that--” Kitty began, but Rogue had already begun tearing off the sensors. She shot Kitty a gentle, sad smile as she pulled her gloves back on and walked out of the lab.

Kitty stayed seated just long enough to give Rogue enough time to clear the area, and then ran out through the wall before Hank or the Professor started talking.

*

Kitty actually _did_ try knocking. Several times. She would get to Rogue’s door, freak out, and not be able to keep her hand solid long enough to hit the wood. So she would leave, calm herself down, and come back a little later. And then freak out again.

The obvious alternative would be to call out, but her voice really didn’t seem to want to work either.

Finally, Kitty just opted to throw her arm over her eyes to signify ‘NOT LOOKING’ and charge through the closed door before she lost her nerve.

Rogue made a startled noise, and Kitty kept her arm up and eyes screwed shut.

At last finding her voice, and talking in a desperate rush before it gave out again, Kitty said, “I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for, um, for before. It wasn’t that I was afraid you’d hurt me. I mean, even if you had started draining me, Professor X would have known right away and stopped it. I was afraid for--for other reasons. I didn’t mean for you to feel bad or anything. I just wanted to apologize.”

Kitty started to feel the awkwardness of this whole situation creeping into her stomach and was about to flee when Rogue said, “Thanks.”

And then, “I’m wearing clothes, you don’t have to keep your eyes covered.”

When Kitty dropped her arm, she saw that Rogue was sitting on her bed, a book open in her lap. Rogue wasn’t lying about wearing clothes, but she was wearing significantly _fewer_ clothes than Kitty had ever seen her in. Which is to say, she was wearing a tank top, which left the skin of Rogue’s arm and shoulders uncovered. Certainly not risque, but something of a novelty.

Apparently, Kitty was not subtle in the process of noticing this. Rogue flushed and pulled a pillow onto her lap.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to stare,” Kitty said, wincing at herself.

“It’s reflexive,” Rogue said, once again displacing the pillow after a moment of hesitation. “You can stare, if you want.”

Kitty realized she was losing any sight of land and coughed. “Anyway, I just thought I should tell you all of that. Sorry for intruding.”

Rogue nodded and, before Kitty could take that as her cue to go, said, “I think that if we touched, with the new way your power is working, I’d automatically phase out before it got to the point where I could really hurt you. It’s like a built-in safety system.”

Kitty stared.

“And then you’d get to be safely solid for however long until I start to drain you. Dunno when that’d be. It varies.”

Kitty kept staring.

Rogue blushed again and looked away. “Sorry, never mind.”

“Wait, no, my brain’s just shorting out,” Kitty said, shaking her head. “Why would you want to do that?”

“Um,” Rogue said. “You’re asking why I would want to touch you?”

“You’re not _that_ desperate for human contact, are you?” Rogue turned bright red, and Kitty actually wailed. “No, I didn’t mean it like that! I just meant--I mean, you hate me.”

“I don’t hate you,” Rogue said, looking at Kitty like she’d grown an extra head. “Why would I hate you?”

“For stealing your boyfriend?”

Rogue rolled her eyes. “That was ages ago, Kitty, and I’m pretty sure you weren’t _trying_ to steal him.”

“I was definitely not trying to steal him. That was such a weird month.”

“Case in point. You don’t hate John now, do you?”

Kitty breathed a laugh. “Well, yes. But not for dating Bobby.”

“Right, of course you hate John,” Rogue laughed. “Bad example.”

Kitty paused. “But _you_ really don’t hate _me_?”

“Not at all.”

“Oh.” Kitty blinked. “Well, that’s a revelation.”

“Do you hate me?” Rogue asked, suddenly looking alarmed.

“ _No!_ ” Kitty said. “No, I like you. A lot. I definitely do not hate you.”

“You like me?” Rogue asked, voice slow as she stared at Kitty.

Kitty blushed. “Not like that!”

“Oh,” Rogue said, and Kitty hadn’t thought she’d seemed very enthusiastic before, but now Rogue seemed to visibly deflate, and it’s possible Kitty’s insides started to melt.

“Wait, that was a lie! I do like you like that,” Kitty said, and then her mouth just kept going. “I have a giant middle school crush on you. You’re beautiful and brave and cool, but I didn’t know what to do with myself around you before all of this started, and now my own mutation hates me, but you apparently don’t, and I’m trying not to make things weirder, but it’s all a lot to deal with.”

“Oh,” Rogue said again, but she was smiling.

Kitty found herself stepping closer to the bed.

*

“Are you two ever going to leave the honeymoon stage?” John asked testily over breakfast.

“I have never once caught Rogue and Kitty in a compromising position, whereas I have walked in on you and Bobby sucking face three times in the last two days,” Alex said over his second mug of coffee. “So shut up, Pyro.”

“You shouldn’t talk to students that way,” Hank said as he dumped half a bag of brown sugar into an enormous bowl of oatmeal.

“Well tough, they shouldn’t mentally scar their teachers.”

“Oh, come _on_ , Rogue and Kitty are _nuzzling_. That is so much worse than some necking between classes.”

“The formula and dosage for Kitty’s medication are still being refined,” the Professor said airily over his tea. “It’s easier for her to stay solid to eat while in physical contact with Rogue.”

“How fortunate that the medication is building up Kitty’s tolerance for touching Rogue, then,” John said, rolling his eyes. “How fortunate for _all of us_.”

“I haven’t heard anything about _your_ tolerance going up,” Rogue said, pulling away from where she had been resting her head on Kitty’s shoulder and lacing their fingers together instead, “so mind your own business, Allerdyce.”

“Oh, baby, no way you could handle my fire,” John smirked, and Bobby elbowed him in the ribs. “Ow!”

“That was terrible,” Bobby said.

“What kind of boyfriend are you?” John asked. “You’re supposed to support the person you’re currently dating.”

“Oh, is that how it works?” Kitty asked, and then she kicked John hard under the table.

“No fighting,” Professor Xavier said disinterestedly as Rogue pressed a kiss to Kitty’s cheek.

“My hero,” Rogue whispered against Kitty’s ear.

Kitty squeezed Rogue’s hand and smiled. “Pretty sure that’s my line.”


End file.
